I was talking to my father the other day and we were discussing how to evaluate the value that this one year has added to me. I think he made a very simple yet powerful observation. The value added is simply how different I am one year after joining MDI. Is there something within me that has changed and if yes then what?
So what has changed? I think a lot has changed. I have learnt many lessons here. Some good, some bad, some easy, some harsh. I think the biggest one has been the affirmation of the long standing cliché that the world is a bad bad place. But this post isn't about that. My biggest lesson is that I have begun to question my long standing basic beliefs on friendship and relationships. I am seeing people change in front of my eyes and I am powerless to do anything about it. Everything that I thought I could do is falling apart in front of my eyes, and I cannot control it. People I thought who I could trust and be really close to have decided (apparently) that I am just not good enough a friend for them, and they have moved on. Is it possible that people can just drop a friend for another?
But why me? I mean, if people have problems, why can't they just come up and sort it out face to face like adults. Why is it that there can never be any purity of relationship here? The only craving I have is for that sense of belonging, for my friends to be what they are supposed to be, my friends. Maybe I am over-possessive, but that is something I am consciously working upon. And frankly, it hurts to be re-placed. It does. Suddenly my friends are not happy when I am around, but the moment they are with others, they are cackling and full of life. I am suddenly getting tired of this place. I don't know whether I can survive another year here or no, like this. The two month break for my intern-ship is looking like manna sent from heaven.
Maybe its just me, my sense of stupidity and insecurity that is driving me crazy. But I am like that. I keep people very close to my heart. And the moment there is any strain to get away, it pulls on my heart and causes pain. And there are some pains which go beyond others. When the people closest to you move away, the pain is intolerable and irrefutable. You see, there is no place else I can go. My mistake is that I have put in too much into too few a people. I don't know what to do now. Its like I am marooned on an island and there is no sail in sight.
There are no answers, only questions............
cheers,
moksha
