Wow! The last 1 week has been one helluva a ride!
I guess you do get a different perspective when you have seen the highest of the emotional highs and the lowest of emotional lows.....
I think not getting into PLACECOM hurt more than loosing the Gen-Sec election, and I really don't understand why. I guess it was probably my last chance to be able to make a really meaningful contribution to MDI, or maybe it was not. It just hurt real bad.
I sometimes wonder, whether it is right to be so emotionally attached to the people who are close to you. I think I get hurt way too easily on some fronts and then start to make doomsday prophecies about them. It is what Sumeet refers to as La-La land! :) I think I need to start becoming impersonal about certain issues in life and start giving time. But then that is just not me. I will go full out for any person who is dear to me. The crux of the problem does not lie there. It lies in the fact that I begin to expect from others as well. I never expect that I get the same as I give, but the fact that small things seem insignificant to others seems to gall me. A phone call, enquiring about dinner, these things matter a lot to me but not to others.
I am slowly getting used to the fact that most of the world will not care two hoots about you. I think it is the search for that portion of the world that truly cares about you which is important. You may flit like a bee from one flower to another but when you are in real need, there is only one beehive to which you will return. The question is you may care for someone but that person may not care for you. Then what do you do? Do you still push, still care, still put effort or do you simply stop because that person will not respond.
This is an intensely personal choice and there is not right or wrong way. Personally I have chosen the tough way and decided to plough on, irrespective of how the other person feels or responds. I know I am going to feel cheated, humiliated, angry, frustrated. But I know that if I stop doing it, then I will feel even worse than this. Only through the paths of fire are the men of steel created. Maybe this is my path of fire, this is where God will test me. In the end, I might not even get what I wanted. But yet I shall move alone. I may not be the first choice, but I definitely will be the last option.
The best part of this whole week was the discovery that I am not alone. Finding someone who is having the same struggles as you does not necessarily lighten the load of the fight but it does give you a semblance of hope that what you do is not madness, and your beliefs are shared by others too. It is only in cauldron of brotherhood that the stew of hope is brewed. I thank God for showing me that I am not alone.
I am leaving for Mumbai on Thursday evening. And I am pissed that I cannot be totally happy about it too. But as I write these words, it dawns upon me that most of the things in life that trouble us are beyond our control. Maybe the three days I am not at college will spark something new. Maybe there will be a small feeling of missing me somewhere. Maybe I will get a half minute phone call. Maybe my basketball match scores will become important.
Maybe it won't happen.
But I still struggle and live in hope.
cheers,
moksha
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