Sometimes its
difficult to think about a certain thing. I recently got the news today that 3 of my
family elders had passed away in 48hrs. It kind of forced me to think
about my own mortality. Not that its the first time I have done it. You often
read that many people come face to face with their morality at a certain point
in life, usually when someone close dies, and its usually when the person has
reached middle age. Surprisingly, I have thought about my death from quite an
early age. I am shit scared of death. Not the physical aspect of it, but just
the fact after a point in time you will have no memories, no thoughts, no
understanding. It is described as being a continuous dreamless sleep from which
you cannot wake up. Many people find it soothing, I personally find it
disturbing. I like living my life way too much to die. I sometimes think that I
would be one of those who would struggle to let go of life till the very very
end. I just hope my death is not drawn out and painful, and its easy on whomsoever
has the misfortune to be besides me in that time.
I think I realize
what everyone means when they say that life is way too short to waste it. I am
25 years old, I cannot even remember where these years have gone by. They will
never come back. Do I have any regrets? Yes, a few, but I also have some really
good memories and loads of stuff that I am proud of. I don't know how long or
how the rest of my life is gonna be. It could be better or worse. But I would
really really like to live it without any regrets. I think that is the main aim
for most of us. If we can live our lives without regret, we will definitely end
having a very happy life. In times of serious contemplation such as this, its
easy to think about not living a life of regret. But what about every Monday
morning when you head out to work, will you try and remember this philosophy
and implement it? I think we use the cloak of our daily schedules to hide our
fear of failure when we try and live without regrets. Should I ask that girl
out that I really really like? No man, what if she says no? She won't even be
my friend anymore. I think I should quit my job cause I really don't like it.
Screw it man, it pays well, and I have a frigging loan to pay off. Fuck, that
dude in office is pissing me off, I should go and give him a piece of my mind.
Are you insane? He is close to your boss, your career is so fucked if you do
something like that.
We live in constant
fear. I know, cause I am afraid like nobody's business. I sometimes try to overcome the fear, most of the times I fail. I think the day I will loose this
fear, I will have such a happy and fulfilling life. And believe me when I say
this, I try and try to do it. But I really can't do it. I don't know why. I
have so many dilemmas in mind you will not guess. I somehow need to find the
inner strength to do what will help me live regret free. I need to have the
guts to go up to the woman I like and tell her so. I need to be able to work in
a place that I like and do the work which I think I will be happy doing, not
chase a career which means I end up doing a highly paid but UN-satisfying job.
Most importantly I need to have the courage to pick up my life and move on even
if I fail in all things I want to do.
Meanwhile I continue
to contemplate my own death and the feeling of nothingness. As I write this I am scared as hell.
"Into the valley
of death rode the six hundred..."
1 comment:
Amazing yaar how we thought of pretty much the same thing...
Liked your piece a lot buddy :)
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